The Inter-Book Duel
by Hpdwlotr24
Summary: What happens when the vampire-fairies of The Twilight Saga meet Voldemort and his faithful/crazy/depressed death eaters? Silliness, randomness, and hilarity of course! Warning not for diehard Twilight fans!


"I can touch you now!" Exclaimed voldemort. Harry prepared himself for whatever pain lay ahead.

"Ugh...what the bloody hell happened..."

Harry turned. Cedric was sitting up groggily.

"Cedric!" Harry said with disbelief. "You're alive!"

" Oh yeah I guess I forgot to mention the fact that I'm a vampire...and my name is Edward."

" what!"

"Crap..." Said Voldemort. Luckily Wormtail had a strange obesession with wooden stakes so Voldemort grabbed the one Wormtail was currently holding like a teddy.

Voldemort proceeded to viciously maim Edward. He then conjured a fire and burned the remains properly being well schooled in the twilight saga. He couldn't resist them.

"Noooooo! Not Cedric...or Edward...!" Harry screamed struggling against the weird tombstone thing of death.

"Shut up" said voldemort "now, where were we...ah yes! I can tou-"

But he was interrupted by a a cry of "NOOOOOO! EDWARD MY LOVE!"

A 18 year old girl had just ran into the cemetery.

"Who said that?!"asked Voldemort. He assumed it wasn't the girl because she had absolutely no expression on her face. Apparently it was because she then charged at him screaming "I WILL KILL YOU!" Strangely still with no expression. She was about to kill Voldemort who had dropped his wand while maiming Edward. When suddenly a scream pierced the air.

"GET AWAY FROM MY VOLDEMORT!" A woman wearing all black robes with tangle of hair had appeared and was pointing her wand at the girl with an insane look her her eyes. Bella, the girl, had stopped in surprise.

"Bellatrix!" Exclaimed Voldemort. "I thought you were in Azkaban!"

."SHHHHH! The nargles will hear you!" Replied Bellatrix nervously. Unfortunately the only reading material in Azkaban was the quibbler which didn't not help any of the inmates already declining mental state especially some particular people ( you know who I'm t alking about) "Anyways where was I...ah yes I'M GOING TO CRUCIO YOUR SORRY BRAINS OUT FOR GOING NEAR MY VOLDEMORT!"

"Ha! No you aren't because I'm Bella Swan!"Said Bella

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH?!"

"Yes! Catfight!" Said Lucius excitedly to a terrified Wormtail

"Well, obviously me being Bella means that I have a shield on my brain therefore your silly little crucio won't work on me so you can go-"

However Bella Swan was then interrupted by her own screams of pain. Apparently her shield did not work. It was also apparent that she was a total wimp because she conveniently died and lit on fire.

Bella (the real one) turned, smiled happily, and said cheerfully, "It's good to be back!"

The rest of the death eaters were either cowering in fear or dumbstruck (or peeing their pants in wormtails's case).

Five days later the death eaters were all chilling at Malfoy Manor.

"For the last time Wormtail no we are not changing our name to the death munchers that sounds absolutely ridiculous!" Said Voldemort "however I'm not opposed to the death rangers after my favorite show the power rangers...but alas it would be too difficult to spread the word."

Then a knock at the door stopped all conversation whether it was about curlers and hair products ( Lucius and Narcissa are always arguing), how beautiful Voldemort's new robes were (Bellatrix was ranting excessivly on this subject Rodulphus was not as enthusiastic but was used too it by now), talking to a human leg (Fenir has a couple problems...), or having a conversation about unicorns and rainbows with oneself (Draco was a lonely boy). Wormtail went to answer the door and a came back screaming "there's more creepy pale people!" And proceeded to run to his room crying (after peeing in his pants...again).

"Yaxely!" Said Voldemort "seeing as you're not important enough to have a first name" all the death eaters laughed at this while Yaxley cried inside "clean up Wormtail's mess while I greet our guests."

However Voldemort was unable to greet his guests and Yaxley was unable to clean up Wormtail's mess (this was fine with him) because the guests had come into the room already. There was three tall pale men. One of them looked depressed while the other two grim. There also were three women all pale as well. One of them was filing her nails, the other crying into a handkerchief, and the last one talking to the crying one. "See Esme! I predicted someone would pee on the floor isn't that funny?!"

The older woman just cried even harder. The grim man looked at the death eater and began to speak "My name is Carlisle. This is my family Rosalie, jasper, emmet , Alice, and Esme. We have come to the understanding that two of our family members have been killed by you. I mean no one really liked them except for Esme there but still...we feel obliged to get revenge and we're vampires so we kinda easily can beat you." The death eaters were about to object to this obviously false statement but a teenage boy ran into the house yelling

"And you have me! I don't care that she's a vampire, I still loved her!" He turned into a wolf and growled "Who killed her?"

Bellatrix pointed at Fenrir.

"This should be good" she thought with a psychotic smile on her face.

The wolf, Jacob, growled at Fenrir. Fenrir growled back and jumped off the couch landing on all fours. "But," said Jacob, "you're not a wolf!"

"I'm still hungry" growled Fenrir with a sadistic smile. He charged (still on all fours) at Jacob and Jacob sprinted out the door with his tail between his legs whimpering.

Bellatrix laughed insanely while Voldemort turned to Draco and said "I told you he would come in handy!" Draco nodded enthusiastically his hair bows swinging back and forth.

Suddenly Snape apparated into the room. "My lord I have more information for you". He said in a monotone voice.

"Not now Snape! We're in a inter-book duel!"

"Please tell me this is nothing like that vile inter-house championship...which Slytherin should have won!."

"Oh give it a break! And no it's not...in fact I don't really know what this is..."

"We were getting revenge." Said Carlisle

"Ah yes! Now Snape why don't you take the other depressed dude over there and Narcissa can have a cat fight with Rosalie!"

And thus the epic battle began!

And quickly ended.

Snape's extreme depression and lack of pep made Jasper kill himself and when Rosalie told Narcissa her son was ugly she strangled her and cut out her heart with a spoon. Bellatrix began crying tears of pride and joy. Then Esme attempted to attack Narcissa but Lucius ran in front of her and the smell of his many hair products knocked her out. Next, Draco threw his vintage wooden unicorn at her and it stabbed her in the heart. Emmet was crucioed to insanity by the obvious person while alice ran away after getting a prediction that there was a target sale. Voldemort just killed Carlisle with his awesome.

They sat down again and went back to their conversations until Fenrir got home. Then they had him do tricks for various body parts of the vampires as if they were cookies.

The end!


End file.
